Sunday, 4 August 2013

MOVING OUT

DISCLAIMER: i must press that moving to a new city is absolutely yours to fuck up, i would hate to think i influenced a smooth transition for anybody, it should be a harrowing experience that humiliates and wears down your tiny body until you're a jagged shadow of your once peppy self. on the plus side you are guaranteed increased chic levels and the satisfaction of knowing that people at home think you've changed for the worse.

so here it is broken down for you all into the DO'S and the DON'T's:
how to be good at being somewhere more good 

DO: use people

one thing i've learnt about people is that most of them suck, but to meet the ones that don't you have to meet the ones that do. for example, the group of freudian wankers i met at the english party led me to one of my closest friends, a man who amidst bullying me into attending a lecture accidentally made me scrambled eggs on toast with tea and forgot about the whole thing. it is always better to go out with morons than it is to stay in, because sometimes morons lead you to places where better people like to be. it took me a while to really embrace this, but if you take my advice you can skip two months of crying into a lonely student cookbook meal whilst watching lost in translation on repeat and worrying that you don't have enough tagged photos of yourself looking happy.

DON'T: be intimidated

granted this sounds somewhat serious but with hindsight i can now confirm that anyone you think seems to know a lot probably/definitely doesn't. this may appear obvious, but put in a situation where you're forced to see the good in people because you have no friends, it's important not to start believing the bullshit that even the person saying it doesn't believe. if someone's interesting or intelligent, they don't have to prove it by telling you..they just are. for example, it was once recommended i read a book because of its two fantastic female characters; i bought the book it was about a girl and a boy. i rest my case.

DO: put on weight

before moving away i was very much of the opinion that i wouldn't fall into the trap of eating pizza every night and washing it down with lager. ha ha ha. if like me you are constantly suffocated by the thought of your inner thighs getting gradually more acquainted with each other, give yourself a break, until you're pregnant at some point you will never have a better excuse to be grossly unhealthy (wait i guess that isn't the point of pregnancy, whatever). i liked to balance days of gorging on an array of fried goods with days where i would 'just drink', meaning i would consume enough barnstormer/red stripe to double my recommended daily intake of calories. another useful tip: don't take a full length mirror with you. i didn't, 8 months of glorious ignorance, if all of your clothes are 3 sizes too big from a charity shop anyway you'll barely even notice you look like a jacket potato.

DON'T: get (too) cliquey

yup we all know it's great that your group of friends can drink, smoke, vomit, eat, and bone together in the same building, but at some point you're going to wonder why the only new experience you've had since moving out is a k hole. if you hang out with some different people off your course once a week your gross group will still be there when you return! they might even miss you! for what it's worth i find making people fancy you on twitter is a great way to meet new people without having to join a worthwhile society or voice your opinions. better still, intrigue someone who is familiar with the places around you = finding cool stuff = pretending you found the cool stuff. ultimately you should try to have options because not only is that chic it also decreases the levels of interbreeding within your regular social group, so in a way you're still contributing something even in your absence.

i feel that covers the major pitfalls of being yourself some place else, i can only hope i've managed to fully patronise each and every one of you. get chubby and enjoy people that's why they are there xx

5 comments:

  1. wow, it's been a while since i last checked your blog, as did you. hope you're posting again soon! xx

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    1. thanks man i'm working on some stuff at the moment that i'm sure will be popping up soon!! x

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  2. PLS POST MORE I CNT GET ENOUGH thank u xxxx

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    1. aw thanks dude i'm actually doing some writing for a zine made by me and my friends so i'll let ya know how to get a copy/post them on here!!

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  3. Anonymous24/1/14

    Hello lovely, I think your hair is absolutely gorgeous and I was wondering if there was a particular way you do it to get it styled in that way? Love your blog too :)) x

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